"TOO GAY, TOO SPURIOUS " - review by Paul.

...Okay, cheap play on words I know... but I stand by it. Plus I spent ages trying to think of some clever word play and this is the best I could get, okay?

Anyway, to The Movie.

Jesus H. Christ this film is camp. Camp as fu**ing Christmas. With no Vin Diesel in the credits this time and Plank Walker being backed by Tyrese instead, strap yourselves in for 'the high-octane drive of your life' or whatever that hack Paul Ross decides to have put on a film poster this week (keep phoning 'em in Rossy, keep phoning them in!). Unfortunately this film has absolutely f**k all to it in terms of story and character development. There is some kind of flimsy "plot" about Walker having to go undercover to drive really really fast for some evil drugs smuggler or some such bollocks (paper-thin bullshit not seen since the likes of XXX).... For some reason Plank demands to be able to pick his own under-cover driving partner - "Hello Tyrese, nice to shoehorn you in" - and whilst there (Plank and Tyrese infiltrating the bad guys gang) they hook up with Eva Mendes who, for some badly written reason, decides to flirt outrageously with Plank, even though it invariably means she's going to blow her cover (instead of the bad guy, who she's been 'co-habiting' with for two years - yes kids... in a completely original narrative twist not seen since... errm... XXX, she's an undercover cop!).

Right that's the plot (roughly) - though there are a few extra cops thrown in for good measure to give the guys a hard time (B-list character actor James Remar for example) to add to the bullshit and give them something to pad the car bits out with, along with some weird looking Asiatic girl (who I'm told is a model - but looks like one of Dr Moreau's failed genetic experiments to me. I'm serious. Me - one. The World - Nil) but what the film really wants to do is show you how fast they can drive. I have to admit, the driving bits are good... there is some fantastic CG where the camera moves seamlessly from one car to the next in a four strong race. Looks really cool and is really really loud! But f**k me do cars get boring after a bit... even John Singleton (Boyz N The Hood & Shaft) gets bored with cars, trying to turn one *SPOILER* into an aeroplane at the end of the film when Plank and Tyrese jump onto the villains boat via a fortuitously placed ramp (yep... I tell no lie - a ludicrous climax not seen since the likes of... what was that film again? Oh yeah... XXX!) *END SPOILER*.

Also, I'm no Sigmund Freud here, but watching it, it struck me that the film seems to be all about Tyrese and Plank Walker wanting to butt-f**k each other... they even have a super-gay wrestle when they first meet onscreen... rolling around in the dirt outside a stock-car racing track slapping each other. Please trust me here; I'm not gay-bashing... I was sitting with a few friends from work at the screening (one of whom happens to be gay) and even he turned to me and said (and I quote) "Christ, why don't they just bum each other!"

Ultimately the film plays out in a predictable fashion... the bad guys get 'taken down' and the good guys walk away with their criminal records clean and a pocketful of cash. Fair enough, but at no point does it engage you - or even really become mindless fun - because you've seen it all before... The cars chases seem rather duyll in teh wake of great CG car chases such as 'The Matrix Releoaded' and (my prefered car sequence this year) in'Final Destination 2'. In fact if you haven't checked out 'Final Destination 2', because like me you thought the first one was pony, go to the video store right now and rent it on DVD. The opening crash sequence is the most electrifying chronicle of autogeddon I've ever seen... the initial accident is in fact so graphic and unpleasant, yet compelling, that I don't think I blinked for ten minutes. The rest of the film is great fun too... with some really elaborate death scenes. Black comedy-horror at it's finest... Anway, I digress.

So, back to '2F2F' (Jesus, I fu**ing hate acronyms) - rather than being dazzled by the "spectacle" of it, you feel ultimately become anaesthenatised to it. Yeah, your eyes react to the pretty pictures on screen and your ears bleed at the growl of many car engines (trust me - it's fu**ing loud) but your brain never really connects with the film. Sure it's made some fast cash at the U.S. box-office... but I felt really bored by it all if I'm being honest - as were the majority of the audience I saw the film with it seemed. Wait for the DVD guys...

The Premiere (and after show piss up).

Okay, so I didn't like the film that much - but I figured it was gonna be a bit shit when I went in (the only thing I really liked about the first one was the fact that the explosions were green and I'm as unconvinced about Vin Diesel as Stew is - though I didn't hate 'XXX' as much as he did and I think 'Pitch Black' is a great movie despite Diesel's efforts to f**k it up), but figured the premiere was going to be good fun. After all, walking the black carpet (it wasn't a red one to try different and be cool - would have worked if not for the rain making it foam soap at the edges... looked bloody awful) at 'The Matrix Reloaded' premiere, which was great fun and this was an official invite for once, not just a blag like 'Reloaded'... as a friend who works at MTV was putting on the aftershow party. They had also (I believe) planned the screening with the film company, so as a result a lot cats I knew were going.... the MTV presenting talent (Emma Griffiths, Tim Kash, Alex Zane, Dave Berry) and a few other colleagues from work.

We got there a bit late (it was supposed to kick off at 7.30pm, but it was running really late)... in-part because we went to the pub before-hand (having not been allowed in the cinema bar as it was full of press people chatting to the stars - well Darius) but mainly because of the fact that the premiere wasn't at the big-ass Odeon cinema in Leicester square, but rather the smaller (more intimate they say) Warner Village multiplex cinema round the corner. This created a problem as the 'red carpet area' began in a weird place (due to the fact that the cinema was also showing a bunch of other films to the public unlike the Odeon, which gives itself over to film Premieres)... in a seedy alley to the side of the cinema. This meant that there wasn't the usual mass-hysteria you would expect from such an event and it looked really pikey; aptly noted by Tim Kash, who was rather underwhelmed at having to play the carpet-walk PR game in such inauspicious circumstances, easpecially as so inconvienient was the carpet's positon, that most people favoured simply walking in the front entrance of the cinema with everyone elas who were going to see other films that were on - he had to arrive, then go back out and 'arrive' again. Shit huh?!?!

The next turtle's head was the fact that ex-MTV presenter (& reality TV puppet) Richard Blackwood was employed to stand at the front of the cinema-stage to gee-up the crowd. He actually did a mini-stand-up meet and greet... "Hey, where you from? really? Sorry to hear that... Any of the east-London posse in the house?!" etc. etc. He then went on to name-check every pseudo-celeb whose arse had seen fit to grace a cinema seat... "Romeo my man, where you at?... Hey Anoushka from Big Brother. That your boyfriend? You better watch yourself man, she's a fine lady... Hey Liberty X... where you guys sitting?" It was truly embarrassing to watch. I haven't felt this bad for someone since Amanda Holden left Les Dennis and Stew and I saw the poor f**ker sat outside a cafe in Highgate, arse well and truly in hand (a sad fact amplified because both Stew and I quite like Les Dennis - he is an ardent film fan after-all). Anyway, Richard Blackwood, what the f**k are you doing? If I ask you (or more importantly paid you I suspect) to come and introduce my next trip to the shithouse will you come round?

I have nothing against him personally, but I don't see June Sarpong (also ex-MTV) whoring herself at my local UCI for a couple of grand (though that may have something to do with her career on T4 and her rich MP boyfriend). I understand that he actually declared bankruptcy recently, which probably explains it... and the fact that he's also signed up to that celebrity fit-club thing where they check their faeces and have colonic irrigation on-screen. His career has literally turned to shit - what a nightmare. Anyway, yet again, I digress.

So after we'd established the fact that there were some pseudo-celebs there he introduced the films cast and the director, who all stood up and thanked everyone for coming. They all said pretty much f**k all apart from Tyrese who launched into a hyperactive comedy routine... Flanked by an uncomfortable-looking Blackwood, attempting to interject and kid-around (leave it to the professionals Mr Blackwood). To be fair, Tyrese was funny and has a lot of charisma - he's clearly the best thing in the film! - Then they mercifully all buggered off the stage and the film started (see above review for my two-cents worth).

As a side-note, during the screening MTV's Tim Kash - a self confessed fan of both John Singleton and Tyrese - got up and walked out half way though and, when he was challenged by TV and radio's Trevor Nelson as to his decision to leave, he boldly stated "It's totally shit, man. I'm going to the bar" to an amused chuckle from the surrounding audience. Least he had the balls to leave. I would have, but I've never walked out on a film in my life... (Kind of in an Ed Harris, 'Apollo 13' mentality).

Two hours later the lights went up, everyone clapped (I hate that - so bloody American) and we were off to a new venue... the 2 fast 2 furious par-tay. It was held in an underground NCP car park on Poland Street. Despite how it sounds, it was actually quite a good gimmick… except for the fact that they had advertised that the cars form the film would be there on-show. Well, one of them was - upstairs... not down on the ground floor where I had hoped I'd be able to drunkenly vomit in one of them. Oh well. Luckily I actually didn't need to chud in the end, so all was right with the world.

As it turned out it was a celebrity-laden event, with none other than Patrick Stewart holding court in the 'gangster lounge' with his daughter (stood on one side of the room to myself - I didn't have the balls to introduce myself, as I had f**k all to say to him other than I liked 'X-Men' and thought he was good in 'Dune'). Also present was the man, the myth, the legend - Darius Dineche. Now, I quite like Darius as a concept. He's an underdog made good. A comeback king, if you will… but he seems to have taken that literally as he was wearing a ludicrous suit with Elvis emblazoned on the back. It was quite awful and wouldn't have looked out of place in Elton John or Liberace's wardrobe. Two words Darius… New Stylist, though it was nice to see him with that chick from his 'Colorblind' video. The usual reality TV Muppets were there in force - people from The Salon, Big Brother evictee's Anouska and Justine etc. Also present were people from Eastenders, Liberty X, Blue, and Audley Harrison, along with a bunch of fashion models models. It was weird, as this was my first U.K. premiere party (I don't get to go to these things a lot, you understand) and I was slightly underwelmed by the fact that the glitzy showbiz party I had expected quickly descended into a bunch of liggers (myself included) drinking as much Budweiser or fruit punch as we could hold. There were many trays of hors' dourves doing the rounds (none of which I ate - as I am somewhat odd and fussy about food) and cats giving you beers off of trays like it was going out of fashion.

So, did I meet anyone cool? Well, I was introduced to Eva Mendes, the female lead, who was quite charming (though had perhaps drunk a tad too much) and some members of 'Blue', and some of those knobish 'Salon' guys and a few 'Hollyoaks' people - and then spent the rest of the evening having conversations with people who looked over my shoulder a lot (apart from a few friends who were there of course, I'm not that hard done by), and I guess when Michelle from Liberty X is snogging her boyfriend behind you, people are prone to gawp... Mostly, everyone got hammered and 'networked' soI hung back, smoking as many Marlboro lights as I could lay my hands on and drinking an ocean of Bud. I fact so much Bud that I had to leave early (1-is) completely drunk.

To sum up, on the whole people I talked to about the film said they thought it was "Shit, but good fun". And that's about it really, no great shakes... just people drinking for free in a car park. On the whole, an enjoyable diversion, marred only by the fact that the film was clown shoes and the premiere was a bit poke. Still.. next one should be more fun (if there is a next one). I'm holding my breath for The Hulk!