GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE. PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE. WITH GUNS. AND FILMS AS BAD AS 'THE BOONDOCK SAINTS'… - review by Stew.

I am very pissed off. I stopped up especially to watch a film on one of the movie channels and fell asleep before the fucking end. Of course, as is life, I'm now fully wide awake at three in the bastard morning, so hello, how are you…

The film I missed the end of was 'The Boondock Saints' - I've wanted to see it for a while, seeing as how I'd read that it was an allegedly great film based on one of those 'hey-this-guy-was-a-bartender-living-off-processed-cheese-last-week-and-now-he's-sold-a-multi-million-dollar-script' scripts. It was unfortunately pulled from release in the wake of that bunch of silly teenage Goths going apeshit in Columbine and wiping out a bunch of fellow students with heavy weaponry; seeing as how its about two young men who stock up on guns and shoot living shit out of everybody in their 'hood' who they see as 'bad people', I can kind of see why it didn't get a release at the time due to the then-highly sensitive climate in the US. However, in a land where it is every man's right to bear arms, fuck 'em - while my sympathy goes out to the victims and families of the dead, films and 'Satanic Music' didn't make those cretins killers - guns did; they were idiots to begin with, but the Constitution allowed for them to become heavily-armed idiots, thereby allowing them to take their retarded fantasies to their natural conclusion. In fair old Blighty, they'd have most likely just relieved the pressure by playing 'Advanced Dungeons & Dragons', jacking off watching 'Hellraiser 2', then gone and got themselves a job in a comic shop.

And as for 'The Boondock Saints': fuck your 'sensitive issues', it didn't get a release because it's a load of old pony!

Lets face it, the phrase 'A Troy Duffy Film' at the start of the movie doesn't exactly set the old Spidey-sense tingling with anticipation, especially when its written in the same font as the titles on 'Hill Street Blues'. 'The Boondock Saints' is just plain ugly from its very first title card - the movie then proves itself to be ill-conceived and oddly executed, (and that's not 'wacky' odd, that's 'what-the-fuck-were-they-thinking?' odd), the story doesn't hold up to an ounce of scrutiny and its acted abysmally by a bunch of people who really should know better. Willem Dafoe is in it, (basically doing Gary Oldman's schtick from 'Leon' but played as a good guy), and this time he's a gay FBI agent who is prone to losing his rag and Riverdancing. You know, to prove it's a wacky low-budget US indie movie. Nice one, Bill.

(Never quite got the Riverdance phenomenon meself. The main proponent is Michael Flatley, a perma-tanned, fleet-footed fanny-magnet with a penchant for glittery headbands and stamping loudly. My mom's got 'Lord Of The Dance' - Mr. Flatley's highly lucrative Riverdance offshoot extravaganza - on video, and I am sad to say that I have seen it. There is some sort of attempt to weave a storyline involving a battle between good and evil into the whole clattering bloody noise-a-thon, but lets face it, who gives a shit. Its just some spunker in a leotard, leaping about, pretending to be Irish, while some pretty girls with dyed-red hair jump up and down in a line, and that's hardly fucking 'Star Wars' is it? But I digress…)

However, as I said, I did fall asleep with about 25 minutes left, and even though I thought 'The Boondock Saints' was a turd I did intend to see it through to the end, despite the general level of venom displayed above. Billy Connolly was meant to be in it, but by 80 minutes in he'd said two lines in voiceover (during the first three minutes), and beyond that I saw neither hide nor hair of him. So, if anyone did see the finale of this piece of cack, please let me know what happened after the brothers inducted the Al Pacino-wannabe who looked like George Best circa 1972 into their little group. I woke up at one point and he'd had his finger shot off, then they cauterized each other's bullet-wounds with a steam iron. It was nonsense from top to bottom, but my endless quest for knowledge won't allow me to not know how the hell this whirlpool of utter toss drew to its inevitably ridiculous climax.

POST SCRIPT
I caught the end of 'The Boondock Saints' on DVD today, (they're knocking it out for about £5.99 here and abouts), and am still none the wiser as to what actually happened, or more precisely WHY. The film didn't make a stitch of sense. None. Whatsoever. Willem Dafoe ended up in drag, for what its worth. Still, thank heavens for small mercies - at least he wasn't dressed as the Green Goblin.

A bit of internet snooping has led me to discover that a lot of people like 'The Boondock Saints' out there in Nerd Land; I am very much in the minority in thinking it's actually a pile of old wank. But, as I say, it's doing the rounds for less than a tenner of late, so why not check it out for yourselves.

And then let me know what the fucking hell it was meant to be about. Usual address…