WELCOME TO COLLINWOOD - NOT ACCESSIBLE VIA DOCKLANDS LIGHT RAILWAY… - review by Stew.

I'm going to see a preview of 'Buffalo Soldiers' next week. And about fucking time too. That film's release has been delayed for at least a couple of years now, thanks to innumerable wars, terrorist incidents and not least the collapse of co-funders/distributors Film Four; the only film with a release schedule dogged by worse luck was 'Phone Booth'. That poor flick seemed to have been held back since about 1946, for reasons ranging from that Washington sniper fella, 911, the Vietnam war, rationing, the death of 'Coronation Street's Len Fairclough and the 1966 World Cup victory, to Colin Farrell's jacket not being in fashion. Anyway, just so you know, there'll be a 'Buffalo Soldiers' review on here soon. Probably.

So what's that got to do with 'Welcome To Collinwood'? Positively bugger all, to be frank, although come to think of it, there is a vague connection, in so far as I nearly saw a '…Collinwood' preview thanks to the same amigo that's sorting me out with 'Buffalo Soldiers', but ended up being out of town. Said amigo also sorted me out with 'Dark Water' and 'Wrong Turn' previews, neither of which I could make either, unfortunately, (as well as passing on his 'Matrix Reloaded' premiere ticket to Paul - yep, he's an all-round Good Egg). My amigo's assistant, (a delightful young thing betrothed to a Supper Club bass player on a cruise ship; she's screwing Murph & The Magitones!), then sorted me out with a further 'Welcome To Collinwood' preview, which I made immense effort to catch, only to miss completely by ending up in the middle of fucking nowhere thanks to the peculiar delights of Docklands Light Railway. Don't know why, but DLR reminds me of 'THX1138', all sterile and quiet and just plain wrong. I expect the tannoy system to start singing 'Daisy Daisy'. I was the only bugger on it wearing jeans, which freaked me out a little. A woman moved away from me.

Anyway, this particular soulless annex of the middle of fucking nowhere was definitely where the preview was meant to be playing, (I hadn't just got lost, I'm not quite that sodding stupid), but even the indigenous population didn't have any knowledge of a cinema within a twelve-mile square radius. I even asked a Taxi driver for Christ's sake - when a man who takes money off you to take you where you want to go won't take your money because he doesn't know where the place you want to be taken to is, you know you got troubles. So, farce-whistle blown, I waited a week and went to see it with an actor acquaintance of mine who had a spare ticket to yet another preview. Dunno why, but something within me refused to pay a penny to see 'Welcome To Collinwood'; I knew the Gypo Gods would eventually smile down upon me…

I was beginning to wonder if anyone at all in Great Britain was ever going to pay to see this fucker, or whether so many gratis previews had been laid on that by the time it came out there'd be nobody left who hadn't already watched it for free; I can only assume they were going for a big 'word of mouth' thing, which hopefully worked out for 'em. Anyway, it's been and gone now, but for those of you who missed it and might want to buy or rent it, shit, you could do a lot worse. It's basically a heist comedy - the story of a bunch of snail-bellied low-lives who happen across the plan for a Big Job and try to put that job together, pull it off, make out like Gangbusters and live their lives at least somewhere within the vicinity of Easy Street; as one would imagine, things do not go exactly to plan, and much hilarity ensues.

Its effectively Coen Bros.-lite; yes, I know its based on some old movie that predates anything the Coens have done by decades, but I ain't seen it so I'm going by what I saw - and that was a knock-off Coen Bros. flick. Helping to fortify any number of weak comparisons, its even made by another pair of brothers, Joe & Anthony Russo. Even this is no major gripe - iffy Coen is still leaps and bounds better than most other shit out there, so '…Collinwood' is still very much worthwhile, although not without its flaws; great fun and very engaging, but due to the structure and low-key pay-off, it felt very much like a film missing its third act - a third act I would have happily sat through, if they'd only thought to, like, make the thing. Yep, for one of the first times ever, I'd have preferred a movie to be an hour longer. I wouldn't call the film pointless, but seeing as the outcome of the heist is revealed in the first frame of the film, it is very much a case of just sitting back and letting it wash over you rather than expecting any earth-shattering experience.

Okay - so that's what's nominally 'wrong' with it, but what makes it all worth watching?

The cast.

Pure and simple. The plot is a trifle slender, the script isn't the most daringly original thing even committed to paper, but the cats they've got in to spew it all out onto screen are exemplary, taking every cliché of the form and sprinkling enough fairy dust on it to make it worth your while watching the same old gags play out over again. Sam Rockwell continues his run of flawed but loveable cast-iron idiots, (I've yet to see 'Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind', but hopefully it'll be enough to get him a look at some bigger, meatier roles); William H. Macy manages to convey abject desperation without losing audience sympathy - even keeping it upbeat, if that's possible; Michael Jeter, Isaiah Washington, Patricia Clarkson and Luis Guzman provide the solid indie support they've become known for, but due to the ensemble nature of the show get to take a decent share of the gags and the screen-time.

The one thing everybody should know before watching it is that, despite the UK advertising campaign for this movie placing both the name and image of George Clooney centre stage, he's barely in it. When he is in it he is, of course, an absolute fucking comedy genius, but even I, not one to get worked up about such shit, must say that this is blatant false advertising. Some people might have seen or want to see this because they think he's cool, because all his movies are generally pretty good, because they'd like to offer up their genitalia to him as a sacrifice, or something along those lines - to then find out he has so little screen time could be a pisser - I knew the score going in, but a lot of people coming out of the same screening were saying the same thing: the fucker's barely in it. The campaign is designed to sell the film on its strongest, most saleable points, obviously, but to do it in such a misleading manner is pretty sneaky. That said, the film is enjoyable enough and the rest of the cast so bloody likeable that, while you can say Clooney is hardly in it, you can't say you didn't have a good time when he wasn't on screen.

So there we go; if you like the Coens, Clooney, Macy, Rockwell, or just fancy a harmless little flick that doesn't feature Kung Fu or artificial intelligence or aliens crawling out of peoples' assholes, please: watch 'Welcome To Collinwood'. I thank you.