OF COURSE HIS TROUSERS STRETCH - WHO THE HELL WANTS TO SEE A HULK COCK ANYWAY? - review by Stew.

Do you know what fills me with abject despair for the state of the human race? The fact that absolutely nobody but nobody has used the phrase 'Don't make me Ang Lee; you wouldn't like me when I'm Ang Lee' in conjunction with their review of the new 'Hulk' movie. Or if they have, I haven't seen it. And if I haven't seen it, then it doesn't exist. That's how I see it. Damn right.

So yeah, the bloke who made 'Eat Drink Man Woman' and 'The Ice Storm' has directed 'Hulk'. Wacky idea, but I think it works! Go figure…

Now, this flick has already been reviewed up the ass all around town, and despite me seeing it (twice) with plenty of time to spare to get a proper review of the film up on this site, well, the fatal combination of gross idleness and a day-job have resulted in me being so far behind that every bastard in creation has passed loud judgment on 'Hulk', so in an effort to remain 'cutting edge', I will now sort of, like, review the reviews instead. Might work. Fuck it, worth a shot innit?

Before we begin, just let me say that I loved this film. There have been many bad reviews, and, astonishingly, despite me operating on the general level of a self-absorbed fascist, I am actually willing to see everyone's point of view. Let's take a look at those negative comments, shall we…?

(A) A lot of you will have heard that it's dull, or at the very least drags for the first hour. I have to disagree - its not a rip-roaring action movie, (as you will have also heard, but probably not believed), but its sure not a drag; the first hour establishes that rarity in the summer movie form - a story. And the action sequences that do occur are there for the furtherment of said story, rather than for the sake of it. For everybody who expects a slam-bang summer action blockbuster, this film is definitely going to be a kick in the nuts - its less 'Hulk Smash', more 'Hulk Smash - But Hulk Prefer To Take Time Out And Contemplate Lichen'. You really do have to prepare yourself for the fact you're going to see a quite intelligent, 'arty' film with a thoughtful plot that just happens to have an enormous emerald ass-kicking monster in it. Despite being fundamentally concerned with characters from a comic, it really ain't a film for kids. You know, its like wankers bemoan big marquee summer movies for having no intelligence, then something like 'Hulk', which could so easily have just been a 90-minute WWF mong-fest comes out with something original and heavy and people are fucking moaning! It's almost like some critics resent the fact they can't have a go at it for being stupid…

(B) A lot of reviewers reckon the big green fucker looks a little too CGI for comfort - well, he's obviously CGI because Hulks don't really exist, but he's by no means quacking around on the paltry gay-rasta-man-frog level of Jar-Jar Binks. Truth be told, the Hulk himself is only a few steps back from the mighty Gollum; its not like we're watching fucking 'Pete's Dragon' here, y'know? The Hulk interacts with his environment in as realistic a fashion as its possible for someone who doesn't actually really exist to do so - stop moaning and go with it, y'know? It's good enough, maybe better than we could have hoped considering how pony some CGI looks.

(C) Some bollock-heads say the Hulk himself is too cartoony - sure, but there again, a nine-to-fifteen foot tall cabbage-hued brick shithouse capable of punching through steel using tanks as baseball bats is always going to look a wee bit daft. The character in the film is an entirely accurate representation of the character in the comics, which is kind of the point. Some people are saying they'd prefer it if the Hulk had been portrayed by a bodybuilder painted green, as with the 70's TV series. Man - what a fucking stupid idea. Just fuck off, you idiots. The one point I'm NOT willing to accept. Don't make me angry - it's not that you wouldn't like me, I'll just go in a sulk.

Basically, 'Hulk' is an intelligent drama in summer blockbuster wrapping; providing you know its not going to be 'Men In Black 2' on the way in, you're in for a cinematic experience that, even if you aren't on my 'I Love The Hulk' cheerleading team, at the very least could be called an interesting experiment in the pairing of arthouse sensibilities with comicbook themes and characters. Whether this will now open the floodgates for such movies as David Cronenberg's 'Minnie The Minx' (she's a crazy l'il rascal with schizophrenia and seven vaginal pseudopods growing on her back), and Ken Loach's 'Thundercats' (Lion-O's a Glaswegian alcoholic), remains to be seen. Fingers crossed, eh…?