A review by Stew.

By some strange quirk of fate, me and Paul ended up at The Matrix Reloaded premiere the other week. Yep - me, Hupfield and Fishburne, shooting the shit. You know how it is...

Nah, we were there, but as with every other ticket-blagging no-mark chancer, (model Emma B, whoever she is, was sat in front of me, and I saw the manager of The Salon go for a piss - yup, star-studded alright), we didn't even get within assassination distance of the cast. Not that either of us would have popped a cap in Keanu to display our love for Jodie Foster or anything, but you never know...

Having braved the red (or in this case black) carpet wearing a t-shirt, jeans and trainers, (I think you might have gathered that I got my ticket verrrrrrrrrrry late in the day), I heads-down ascended the Odeon's steps in a 'shit, I'm dressed like I'm here to clean the bins' fashion with great haste, in order to hide my tramp-like wardrobe in a darkened room. The strange thing is, Paul knew he was going well in advance, (I copped my ticket from the girlfriend of a minor-league popstar about 45 minutes before the thing kicked off, Paul got his, ooooooh, a good three hours before that), and still turned up looking like a derelict. Mind you, so did Bob Geldof. 'Feed The World'? 'Buy A Suit' more like, you sack of fucking shit.

Thanks to some people not actually turning up, I ended up sat with some friends from MTV, (my original seat being nowhere near them); seeing as I am nothing but a starfucker, these friends were the internationally (un)known Bright New Faces Of MTV 2003 - one of whom, Alex Zane, actually won our quiz last time around. Good kid. He has the head of a grown man on the body of a pre-pubescent boy, but what the fuck, right? So, let me give you, the humble non-star, a peek behind the curtain at a movie premiere from the semi-celebrity's point-of-view. Or to be more accurate:

THE MATRIX RELOADED PREMIERE AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF SOMEBODY RUBBING PATHETICALLY AGAINST SEMI-CELEBRITIES IN THE VAIN HOPE HE TOO MAY BE SEEN TO BE VAGUELY IMPORTANT

Whoa! I fear I was a little harsh on myself there - there's self-deprecation and then there's self-loathing! Jesus! Anyway, lets take this from the top: by all accounts, The Voice Of MTV News Tim Kash (aka The Kash Machine - Making Deposits 24-7) signed six autographs on the carpet on the way in. King Of Daytime MTV Continuity Dave Berry turned up but left before the film started, having only gone to be seen to arrive. Thanks to a passing comment about his hair looking different from Our Paul, MTV's Clown Prince Of Comedy Alex Zane ran off to the toilets to check it looked alright - nonce. Meanwhile, one of Undisputed Queen Of Daytime MTV Chat Ms. Emma Griffith's aureolae is apparently bigger than the other and was occassionally visible above the rim of her bra cup through her see-thru top, causing tit awareness issues. Christ. Its a hard life being a celebrity.

The rest of the night went as follows - free popcorn and bottled water, over-long wait for kick-off of events, introductory waffle from contractually-bound actors, vaguely disappointing film, file out into the night. The presenters went off to a party, me and Paul couldn't be arsed and went to McDonalds instead. Born fat, die fat, that's my motto. The end.

On a lighter note, at least I saved a tenner. Job's a good 'un