"DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK?"

"NO MR. DIESEL, NOT WITH YOUR ACTING ABILITY…" - a review by Stew.

'From Russia With Love', 'The Man With The Golden Gun' and 'Goldeneye' are the only Bond movies I can stand, and the last two are a little bit wanky in my opinion. I know I should fall upon my sword and hand in my 'Man' badge at the door, but I've never really liked James Bond films; I've been shouted down by Paul for this before, but all I can honestly say is that I watched a lot of them on telly when I was little and they didn't engage me, so as I've grown up I've had no inclination to watch them again. I defend their right to exist, I just don't much care for them; however, my male friends don't accept this as a reasonable way of being, and think there is genuinely something not right with me because I don't get a blood-engorged lob-on at the prospect of seeing 'Never Say Never Again' in widescreen.

Paul likes 'Moonraker'; he thinks it is a fine addition to the Bond canon, rather than a silly load of tedious old wank that shamelessly tries to shoehorn a fifty-six year old superspy into a poor-ass space movie, much as 'Live And Let Die' is a fairly amusing yet wholly inappropriate attempt to turn Whitey Bond into a badass black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks. At least now Bond movies realize they're a genre unto themselves, and don't try to squeeze to fit into other genres like sci-fi or Blaxploitation. Paul has, on occasion, used the phrase "don't diss 'Live And Let Die' you fucker", such is the depth of his love. He even has a bus-stop sized poster for 'Moonraker' in Spanish, which he one day hopes to get framed - it's taller than he is, for fuck's sake, there's not a wall in his house it'll fit on. Or maybe he intends to purchase a Spanish bus-stop to mount it in. I don't know.

However, 'From Russia With Love' is sodding ace; regardless of the whole Bond thing it's just a great film. Robert Shaw (as 'Red Grant') is brilliant in it, and you actually do get a sense that Bond might actually get fucked up by his opponents on occasion, rather than come sauntering out of a nuclear explosion wearing a white tux, grinning, with a naked chick hanging off the end of his cock. As far as I can recall, he doesn't resort to ridiculous gadgets either - if memory serves me correctly, the most exotic piece of covert spy tackle he carries with him is a leather band full of Krugerands concealed in the lining of his case. Or I might be wrong there; it's been a while since I've seen it. I like it but I'm not getting buried with it, know what I mean?

So, that brings me to 'XXX'. Why review a film everybody will have seen by now? Because it really gets my fucking goat, that's why, and if I can put at least one person who hasn't seen it off doing so, then I feel I have my time on your planet is over and I can move on. Klaatu Barada Nikto, over and fucking out.

Compared to 'XXX', (or 'xXx' if you're being a cunt about it), every single Bond film ever made, even 'Casino Royale', is a work of unmitigated genius. 'XXX' is tremendously badly written, tremendously badly acted, and patently ridiculous in every way it is possible to be ridiculous without being any fucking good at all. The stunts are, indeed, spectacular, but the scenes backed up either side of these stunts are badly-written shitbag piffle of the highest order. Vin Diesel is NO GOOD. He can't speak with any convincing level of emotion, he looks like a balloon someone's shit in then punched, and he sure don't kiss like someone with prodigious knowledge of the opposite sex - having to convincingly cop off with a woman seems a more perilous task for him than defusing a fuckin' time bomb. Asia Argento is also quite a plain girl who can't really act, despite what the publicity machine tried to brainwash me into believing, (ie. she is beautiful, and a very talented actress). The villain looks like Michael Hutchence. That woeful, ahem, 'techno rave' is possibly the quietest mass gathering of dance music aficionados I have ever witnessed, (following on closely from the Russian bad guy's incredibly quiet nightclub). The sex scene between Vin & Asia out back of said rave is about as erotic as 'Faces Of Death'. Bizarrely, the one thing that just fucking annoyed me more than anything else was director Rob Cohen's insistence on starting every other scene with a close-up on the 'XXX' tattoo on Diesel's neck - not cool, not clever, not a good conceit, just downright pissing stupid! Just… just… fuck off would you?

Anyway - 'XXX'. If you haven't seen it, don't - its shit. If you have seen it, and more alarmingly enjoyed it, maybe even paid money to own the sucker - get the fuck away from me, man. I'm gonna haveta cutchoo…